Jun 30, 2005

Does Size Matter?

For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members of our blogging audience.

My most recent birthday gift was from my friend who sells Passion Parties products. That’s right folks…it’s a vibrator. But not just any old vibrator. This one has “personality!” It’s very lifelike complete with all the curves, lines and veins, mushrooming to a well-rounded tip. I really don’t know why they went to so much trouble to get the thing anatomically correct, because then they got the bright idea to make it purple. I could understand perhaps fluorescent green so you could find it easily in the dark. But purple? I suppose that’s the “signature” color for Passion Parties, Inc. My friend has affectionately named this particular model Barney.

Oh, and did I mention it’s big?

Let’s discuss size for a moment. I’m not really one to be judging size because I only slept with one guy (high school sweetheart) before I married my husband and they are both what I would consider average. But then how would I really know? I mean, I haven’t made it my life’s work to compare. I also don’t live in a vacuum. I’ve seen some porn and I’m guessing those guys in the magazines and videos are in that line of work because of their EXTRAordinary assets. And I’m sure there are some men who are smaller than what I’ve experienced all the way to downright miniscule. So for the sake of argument, this post is only discussing the difference between average and big.

Really big.

Anyway, back to Barney. I kinda wished my friend hadn’t given it that name because it’s hard to get turned on by a purple dinosaur who talks funny. Not that my Barney talks. No, he just kinda buzzes. One other thing of note is that this vibrator is made out of a lifelike silicone product that is somewhat pliable. Although I’ve never used a vibrator before, the ones I’ve seen were hard plastic, which I would imagine to be cold and way too slick.

So, okay, when my friend gave it to me I told her I would field test it and bring back the results. But that meant finding a time “alone” with Barney. Since last Saturday I realized that I am RARELY alone. I can barely find time to use the restroom without an audience or talk on the phone without being interrupted, much less test out a vibrator. But as chance would have it my husband had to work late one night and the kids were out of the house. So I decided to put Barney to the test and once and for all we would learn IF SIZE MATTERS.

Here are my findings. First of all, length is WAY overrated. I'm reminded of all those gazillion e-mails I've deleted promising extra inches. Longer doesn’t seem to help at all! Frankly, I think each woman has a certain carrying capacity and mine is only about two-thirds of the way on Barney. So the unused part is simply wasted silicone.

Now let’s talk about width. I think a woman’s body is purposely flexible…so flexible that it can accommodate a human head. Now Barney is not as wide as a human head, but wider than average, the definition of which we discussed earlier (determined by the size of the two men I’ve slept with.) And…okay…extra girth can be nice, but only because of the expandable-ness down there (and perhaps because it’s been stretched by 2 human heads). But width is not necessarily needed for enjoyment, again because of the accordian-like expanding and contracting qualities of a woman. (Whew! Did I get through this without using any bad words?)

Side bar: I really don’t understand the vibrating part of a vibrator. For one thing, it’s kind of noisy and I felt like I was carving a turkey with the electric knife. It doesn’t feel like "the real thing” at all unless you are used to having sex with a really large humming bird. I don’t know. Maybe it’s an acquired taste, but then I don’t like wine either.

So there you have it. Length doesn’t matter. Width…well, there are pros and cons. It’s a great asset for a vibrator. But in person, it could be a problem. Like the dentist told me last month. I have a really small mouth.


Duke_of_Earle said...


(That noise you heard was me, howling at the... Well, I would say "at the moon," but given the topic of this post, that may not be appropriate.)

I wanted smoke and steam, and I guess I got it! My favorite line?

"It doesn’t feel like "the real thing” at all unless you are used to having sex with a really large humming bird."

Now THERE's an image that got me laughing.

Yeah, I think size is more an issue of visual comparison among the guys than an issue in the bedroom (so to speak).

Good job avoiding "dirty words."

My Friday is now complete.

Nankin said...

Karen, your visual was hilarious.

Karyn Lyndon said...

I was wondering what that noise was? Glad I was able to make y'all laugh!


Anonymous said...

Hmmm, good info... thanks.

Anonymous said...

Karyn, this post had me laughing out loud, shaking my head at the images. I'll never watch a Barney video with my sons the same way again. Especially when he hummmmmmms.

Karyn Lyndon said...

Thanks, Hamel. I can see now I did not fully explore the comedic value of comparing my Barney to the other one.

I would apologize for reducing the entertainment value of the Barney program but I don't think that's possible.

I guess when I use the "other" Barney I could sing "I love me, I love me..."