Aug 31, 2005



is there only one guy who
can be my perfect match?
and if I ever meet him
will he be within my grasp?

will I recognize him
when he comes into a room?
or is he in some far-off land
or someone else’s groom?

could I really find him
in a world of bytes and chips?
or do I need to zoom around
on jumbo jets and ships?

down through history
it's been a turbulent debate
maybe there is no such thing
as someone’s true soul mate

unless I find him then I guess
i’ll never really know
did I miss him by a hair
or did he never show

Aug 28, 2005

Constructive Procrastination

I've been planning to have a party for the people I work with since we built the pool (three years ago) and finally accomplished that last night. We had a great time and as usual I'm left wondering what took me so long?
I was straightening up my office at work Friday and I found a to-do list from 2003 and there were still a couple of things on there I hadn't gotten around to. I will be the first to admit procrastination is one of my top-ten flaws. I was amused to find "make and hang bathroom curtain" on the list and excited that I could finally check those off because I'd done it last weekend especially for the party. (Nothing like having company over to get my backside in gear.)

It sounds like I don't ever do anything but that's not true! I do what I like to call constructive procrastination--that is, I accomplish other things in order to avoid doing something else. For example, I will go to the mall to buy a gift instead of cleaning out a drawer, or clean out a drawer instead of hemming pants, or writing in my blog instead of working on my novel. Eventually all of the things get done...the operative word here being "eventually."

When I really sit down and analyze why I put off doing something, there's a simple explanation. Sewing the curtain, for example, only took about 15 minutes, but the sewing machine is old and cumbersome to set up and it's difficult to thread and while I'm an excellent seamstress...I suck at measuring and cutting a straight line...mainly because I have a hard time finding the tape measurer and the scissors. By the time I go through all that in my mind I'm tired...and stressed out. I guess I need to sit down and really analyze everything I put off...maybe someday I will.

Anyway, the curtain looks great...see?

Aug 26, 2005

Whatever Floats Your Boat

For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members of our blogging audience.

Before we get started on today's topic I have to tell you. I'm VERY upset although I knew it was just a matter of time. At work they put up a firewall to Blogspot!!! Not only am I banned from putting a few finishing touches on a post on my break or lunch hour...I can't even read other people's blogs! Ohhhhh the humanity! All day long today I would reach for my mouse to suddenly realize, alas, I'd been cut off from the rest of blogworld. And our new CEO said he would make it a fun place to work. What a LIAR! So far, all we've gotten is a crappy ice machine...big deal. I'd trade a boatload of ice for blogspot access.

Anyway, ahem, where was I. Oh, yes...

First of all, the dictionary says a fetish is something, for example, an inanimate object or nonsexual part of the body that arouses sexual excitement in some people.

Sidebar: Did you know you can take almost any term, add ophilia to the end of it, and voila! You have a fetish.

Now, I've known what a fetish is for a long time but my knowledge has been greatly increased because of exposure to some VERY educational sites on the Internet. I think you know what I'm talking about. They usually flash bright 4-letter words and naked pics, make your screen percolate with porn pop-ups and cause you to grab for your mouse, clicking the little X in the corner of the window wildly, and cover your screen with both hands at the same time.

Anyway, I knew there were fetishes...I just had NO idea there were actual clubs you could join so you can hang out with the other people who like, oh, I don't know, rubber pants. And I'm guessing the Internet has made finding people who like to pee on each other ohhhhhhh so much easier! (Maybe the rubber pants and "water sport" people should get together.)

Now then, why do you suppose one person likes to parade in front of a window naked and another one likes to play with feet while someone else wants to be led around by a dog collar and drink out of a dish on the floor? Some conclude that it has to do with an event, from ordinary to horrific that happened at a particularly sensitive time during childhood. Maybe their mother was especially tender when they were wearing rubber pants. Maybe their dog got better treatment than they did.

While there are some fetishes which are manageable and can be contained in the privacy of your own bedroom, there are others that must include unwilling participants, for example, someone who's turned on by making dirty phone calls. (What did these people do before Alexander Bell? Were there titillating telegrams? Lascivious letters? Naughty town criers?) Relations with a convicted criminal poses several problems unless you live with one. Then of course there's having sex with someone who's asleep...or dead...the list continues to degrade into some double-digit numeral level of hell which I will not go into.

WHAT'S YOUR FETISH? (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Maybe everyone has their own little secret fetish, some weird thing that turns you on above all others and sends you searching online for your special group to belong to. I don't know. Sometimes I feel inadequate writing about things I'm not all that familiar with. In this case I'll be the first one to admit, I'm no expert. I'm merely a wannabe satirist. I don't even have any fetishes...that I know of...unless you count Krispy Kreme donuts. No, I don't think that qualifies. I only use them in the manner for which they were intended. And while they do make me momentarily happy...they don't make know....

Aug 23, 2005



flying like fireworks on the fourth of july
shooting like stars in a dark country sky
raining like fire from a stone-cutter’s blade
booming like thunder from love we’ve just made

what is this powerful, electrical force
that knocks us back reeling and throws us off course
signals of truth to take note and reply?
or simply a chemically-induced sort of lie?

Don't bother me while I'm WORKING!


What can I say? I've been busy. I'm on the committee for this recognition show at work (The PACE Awards) and I'm in charge of the videos. It's my job to come up with the corporate inside-humor ideas for the video portions of the show, talk people into making fools of themselves and putting their careers on the line, providing the costumes and props and working with the camera guy. Once we've shot said videos, it's then my job to go to the camera guy's studio which looks like the NASA control room and edit the film we've shot.

The editing is really my favorite part of the process, but you wouldn't believe how long it takes. We worked from 2 till 10 last night for a little over 4 minutes worth of video. It's just a flash across the screen to the audience, but it means hours of painstaking decision making on the video, audio, music and special effects. And since catching the "actors" between meetings and real work makes reshoots out of the question, we have to make do with what we've shot the first time. It can be a challenge. But VERY rewarding when it all comes together as my "Vison" envisioned.

Anyway, I have one video completed and three more to edit. The show is Sept. 8th so time's running out!

I've thought about how creative it would be if this was my full-time job but frankly, once a year is enough. I think I'll keep my day job, which is a great job, I might add. Where else would they give us the resources to make good-humored fun of the company?

Aug 20, 2005

Blog Analysis

My blogging type is
artistic and passionate.
You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

I don't know about the accuracy of this one. While I do consider my blog a wonderful way to express myself passionately I wouldn't call it the ULTIMATE expression.

I do work hard on my blog, but great? That's a bit of a stretch. I would love to work on a new design, but I'm afraid if I change the code on the template any more I'll lose the whole thing. So I just leave it alone before something explodes.

I would write about my pet causes but I don't really have any...I don't even have any PETS!

And careful? How can you be careful with whom you share your blog when your blog address appears on the first google page of "first time sex" or "the big O"? (In case you're wondering, a LOT of people google these things.)

Aug 18, 2005

Thanks For The Mammaries

Page 1
For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members (or anyone for that matter) in our blogging audience.

Yes, okay, they do have a use other than for sex. But I'm not writing about the joys of breastfeeding on Freaky Friday. Check out this site
La Leche League if that's what you're interested in.

Just like the size of a man's purple-helmeted love warrior, there are pros and cons to breast size. The smaller, perkier ones are destined to remain perky while the fuller, heavier ones can become a real drag later in life. Vonnegut recommends sunscreen in his famous commencement speech, but for women, I think it's much more important to avoid the sun and wear a well-fitting, supportive bra as much of the time as possible. (Have you seen what those women who burned their bras look like now?)

Button-down oxfords fit better over a moderate chest. Sweaters are more voluptuous over an ample chest. The more diminutive, the less painful when you go jogging. Some women use their cleavage like a homing device to male pigeons. The flat-chesters enjoy a lot more eye contact from the opposite sex. I've heard men say that more than a handful is wasted, but then there are those who tend to be gluttonous, so jugs bigger than your head can be popular, too. Just like I tell my daughter all the time...there's someone for everyone.

In a well-known catalog you can buy bras with pockets in them to insert various types of breast enhancers. There are also bras filled with liquid, foam-rubber and batting to increase your cup size. My question is...okay, so you got the guy who likes big boobs interested. What happens when he finds out it's all smoke and mirrors (and silicone?) And don't forget the minimizer bras that DECREASE your bust size by one full cup. What's up with that? We need a handy, dandy, Popeil Pocket Liposuction Kit so we can suck the fat out of the big breasts and deposit it directly into the small ones...then everyone would be happy. Right?

Maybe these "specialty" bras are so you can see if you like having bigger (or smaller) breasts BEFORE you go under the knife. You must really hate your body to actively seek plastic surgery. Just like reorganizing the garage, you have to make a big, horrible mess before it looks any better. And unlke cleaning a garage, plastic surgery is really expensive and very painful!

The threat of breast cancer circles over every woman's head like a vulture ready to swoop down and take away our femininity. Because of this I try to appreciate my pride and joy (one's named pride, the other is joy) as much as possible. And I can't help but imagine on occasion how I would feel if they were gone. I will be the first to admit, I would miss them...a lot! Since there is a direct line of "zowie!" from the nipple to the sweet spot, my sex drive would surely be diminished, even if they were artfully recreated by a plastic surgeon.

It's true I would rather stick hot needles in my eyes than have a mammogram, but because of the danger I mention above, I sign myself up for one annually. SURELY there's a better way, though!!! I'd love to get my hands on the sadistic bastard who designed this machinery d'torture. Here all the good work I've done by keeping my girls supported by a well-fitting bra is undone in one horrifying, flat-as-a-pancake moment.

I know there are a lot of you men out there who think a breast is a playtoy invented by God for a man's own pleasure. But breasts are a source of pleasure to women, too. So while you're amusing yourself with them like the newest gadget from Sharper Image, keep in mind that they are also the key to the heavenly gateway for which you ultimately seek. Pay them homage and treat them with respect.

Day In Court, part 2

Well, it's good news because after chatting with the court clerk (about how cute my jacket was and where I got it) she suggested we ask the prosecuter for the MIP to be dropped...and the judge agreed to it. So now my son has deferred adjudication on the DUI which means after 20 hours of community service to the non-profit org. of his choice, an alcohol class and paying a $400 fine it will be removed from his record...and the MIP charge will be dropped. THANK GOD!

Our Day In Court

My (20-year-old) son's arraignment is today where he intends to ask for deferred adjudication for the charges of minor in possession of alcohol and open container. This is the hearing he missed last month because he was arrested for possession of a controlled substance (1/2 of a xanax) on the day he was to be in court. Our lawyer (the one we didn't need...but now we do) said if it's not going the way we want it to today, to plead innocent and ask for a trial.

Anyway, we're due in court at 3. I'll let you know the outcome when I get back. Wish us luck...

Aug 17, 2005

The Dream

one simple, boring
nothing of an early morning
finds me tossing and turning
in the sheets
i should have washed last week.
the dream is misty--someone’s here.
i know it’s you because
i’m in that happy, sappy
kind of love.

we embrace.
we kiss.
the kiss turns to crying
and then why-ing.

“Why?” echoes in my head
in a constant cadence
like the beat of my heart.

i open my eyes
to a mockingly sunny day
the “why?” is the rhythm
that links me to you
yet takes me further away.

I know the question that’s corny
and makes me feel stupid
will never be answered.
and time never heals.

not as long as a simple dream
on a nothing kind of day
can bring you back to me
so real
I wake up and feel
the moistness of your lips,
still tasting the saliva
from our familiar
tongue to tongue kiss.

Aug 15, 2005

Take The Test...If You Dare

Okay, so I haven't read Vonnegut, although according to Hamel I didn't miss much. (Does hearing that commencement speech he wrote that they play on the radio count? I use sunscreen now.) I've also been known to (on a very rare occasion) talk with my mouth full. And thinking really does make my head hurt. Does honesty make me less intelligent?

I am 19% Idiot.
Friggin Genius
I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Aug 14, 2005

Next Week For Sure!

Well, I started to work on the Freaky Friday post I had planned, but it just felt WRONG writing about sex on Saturday.

Not to mention today we had a images-20
It was really my daughter's garage sale since she did most of the work. Yes, I provided a lot of the "merchandise" and the garage but she's the one who sorted through it, found the good stuff, arranged it all in the garage, priced it, and for the most part, sold the stuff. I would like to publicly thank my husband for climbing around in the boiling-hot, insulation-itchy attic, lifting the heavy stuff, posting the signs and taking the leftovers to Goodwill afterwards.

Now my daughter can pay her cell phone bill before it gets turned off. And I must admit, it was kinda fun playing store. You may ask what I did in this family endeavor...I made the signs...on my work. What? I also kept my daughter company all day. I mean, I didn't want to sweat too much...I wasn't getting any of the money! I found if I sat very still right in front of the fan, I could stay relatively cool.

SIDEBAR: Have you ever noticed how most of the vehicles (mostly trucks and SUVs) of the garage sale attendees are REALLY NICE? I don't shop garage sales (mainly because I don't like to sweat) but I have to wonder, if I did, would I get to drive a nicer vehicle, too? There was this one expensive looking truck that had these wheels that continued to spin around while the truck was standing still. My son explained to me that they are called spinners. See, you can even learn something at a garage sale. Who knew?

Nothing else of note happened really except I am glad that's OVER. We made 146 dollars and 75 cents the hard dusty, outdated 25 cent knick-knack at a time.

Aug 12, 2005

Take 2 Aspirin and Check Back Later

Some of you may be wondering where my Freaky Friday post is today. Well, I haven't decided if I'm going to write one yet. John over at Romantic Ramblings made some disparaging remarks about the quality of my postings on his blog yesterday and I haven't quite gotten over that yet. Heavy sigh. Okay, maybe I started it with my comment about the lack of substance in one of his posts. But now I'm just out of the mood. Maybe I'll feel like writing about sex later.

Let's just say I have a headache.

Aug 11, 2005

List of Things About Me

I "borrowed" this list from The Pointmeister Here goes...

* 5 snacks I like to munch on:
(1) nuts
(2) Cheet-os,
(3) Pretzels with Squirt Cheese
(4) Chips and Hot Sauce
(5) Theatre style popcorn
(I love salt!)

* 5 bands I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
(1) The Carpenters
(2) John Denver
(3) America
(4) The Monkees
(5) The Beatles
(I guess I haven't learned any lyrics since the Seventies.)

* 5 things I like to do:
(1) writing/blogging
(2) swimming
(3) going out to eat
(4) driving
(5) taking naps!
(see a previous freaky friday post for definition of a nap)

* 5 bad habits:
(1) my relationship with food
(2) procrastination
(3) habitual lateness
(4) think rules do not apply to me
(5) terrible with numbers and money
(I hate myself now)

* 5 things I'd liked to accomplish:
(1) become a published author
(2) plan a wedding
(3) become a grandmother
(4) sell a screenplay
(5) direct a movie
(in that order please)

* 5 things I wouldn't be caught dead wearing:
(5) pointy Madonna bra top
(2) thong underwear
(3) pleather pants
(4) studs and camo accessories
(1) Easy Spirit shoes
(why is it now I can picture myself in all of these at once?)

* 5 things I miss from my youth:
(1) summers
(2) my grandparents' ranch
(3) drive-in movies
(4) parking
(5) twirling at halftime

* 5 things I'd do with $100 million:
(1) buy big homes with awesome views for my parents and myself
(2) buy a dance studio for my daughter
(3) buy a bikepark for my son
(4) give to my favorite charities
(5) let my husband retire early

* 5 TV shows I like (current):
(2)Boston Legal
(3)Desperate Housewives
(4)Everybody Loves Raymond
(5)Six Feet Under

* 5 TV shows I like (all time):
(1) I Love Lucy
(2) Saturday Night Live
(3) Sex and the City
(4) Sopranos
(5) All In The Family

* 5 TV shows I dislike:
(1) Funniest Home Videos
(2) The Gong Show
(3) Monday Night Football
(4) Southpark
(5) Jerry Springer

* 5 Movies I like:
(1) Gone With the Wind
(2) Titanic
(3) Sixth Sense
(4) Alien
(5) Jaws

* 5 Movies I disliked:
(1) Open Water
(2) It's Pat, The Movie
(3) Chucky
(4) Big Mama
(5) Blair Witch Project

* 5 Famous people I'd liked to meet:
(1) Shakespeare
(2) Jennifer Weiner
(3) Stephen King
(4) Jim Carey
(5) Jesus

Aug 9, 2005

Crash Test Dummy


sign me up, i said
i want it all
the thrill of your touch
the promise of passion
yes, even love
if it comes

put me in, coach
i'm ready to run

the high was incredible
it was everything
and i became everything

like an angel on speed
walking on air
heart soaring
colors more vivid
finally alive in your arms

but all good things
must end,

bam!!! the pain was unbelievable

when i let you inside
no lightening bolts
but now...on your way out
i was struck
by thousands of volts

but did i denounce
this addictive drug that is you?
campaign against it?
or even take a few days off?

of course not

i went back in
no helmet
no safety belt
no airbag

pow!!! i was hit again
not just limping to the sidelines this time
but put on injured reserves

still, i did not learn
instead i yearned
for your sweet kisses
and intensely blue eyes

thoughts of being without you
slapped me in the face
like a soft summer breeze

in i went again
but this time a little slower
more cautious
eyes wide open

knowledge is a funny thing
it can keep you out of trouble
or simply mock you along the way

mine was the mocking kind

zap!! you left me reeling
dazed and confused
feeling like i was finally ready

time to throw in the towel
call it a day
a month
a year
a lifetime

all i can do now
is ask why
why did i love you
why did you hurt me

and the real question...
why do i love you still

Aug 7, 2005

Nothing Like A Deadline... get me inspired. I'm used to working under lots of deadlines at work, so that tends to motivate me in my writing at home as well. So, it was only 8 1/2 pages but they were solid, edited pages ready to critique. Whew!

I know I've been slacking lately on my writing, but I've been busy. Doing what? I don't know. There is this awards program at work that's a cross between the Oscars and Saturday Night Live. I'm on the committee and sub-chair of producing the (humorous) videos. We've been shooting the last couple of weeks and let me tell you. Movie making is stressful, tedious and time consuming. Especially when you have to coordinate with the "actors" schedules which include work-related meetings, vacations and other irritants. I've also been writing the scripts for these said videos so that's kinda been sapping my creativity for my other endeavors. I really hate it when work interferes with my personal life!

The PACE awards is September 8th and while it's fun and creative "putting on a show" I'm REALLY looking forward to it being over with.

On another note I have a dentist appointment to have some fillings done tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. I must be some kind of masochist.

Ready, set, write!

Okay! I have two and a half hours to write 10 pages ready to critique by my critique partners at 2 p.m. Can I do it? I'll post later today and let you know...

Aug 4, 2005

Clothing Optional

For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members of our blogging audience.

Today, I want to talk about clothes and the part they play in sexual encounters. The way I see it, clothes can go either way in the turn-on process.

The more low-rised, cropped, micro-minied, plunging necklined and all-around body baring, the more attention you'll get. Letting it all hang out seems to be the style these days. Besides, how else are you going to show off all that work you do in the gym, your no-panty line, your boob job, your belly button ring, your tanning booth bronzed skin and your daisy tattoo? It's a look that says "come and get it 'cause I'm almost done!" The problem with this look is it may get you more than you bargained for.

On the other end of the spectrum, there's something very tantilizing about the Victorian era when you had to undo thousands of tiny satin buttons, maneuver around mountains of petti-coats and unlace corsettes to get to the good stuff. I'm reminded of the movie The Piano where Harvey Keitel discovers a tiny hole in Holly Hunter's stockings and the effect is...well...orgasmic.

Sometimes I don't think men understand this. They think it's sexy to shimmy out of their skivvies and jump around all dangley into bed. It's as if they have one thought and one thought alone. "Let's Get Naked!!!"

What is it about men and their inability to unfasten a bra? They are simple hook and eye closures, for God's sake! I unhook mine with one hand every single day. Is it that all the blood normally supplying the fastener part of the brain has traveled to a nether region, thus rendering men hook-challenged? Don't they know that struggling with bra removal tends to slow down all that sexual momentum they gained with dinner and drinks? If I were them I would practice. This is a much more useful skill than juggling tennis balls or twirling a basketball on your finger. Maybe they should develop a video game that strengthens coordination in this area. They could call it...uh...I don't know...Boob Raider?

Wearing sexy lingerie makes women feel more sexy. And according to a man's reaction when you mention a Victoria's Secret catalog, they think it's hot too. But why should we spend mucho dinero on a lace teddy if it's ripped off our bodies in one second flat and tossed on the floor? Come on, caress the silky satin, love the lace, take the straps down with your teeth. I'll leave it to your imagination what to do with the snap crotch. Did you even KNOW there was a snap crotch?

Aug 3, 2005

I Like Back Packs, And I Cannot Lie

The art director in the cubicle next to mine brought her young son in after lunch today. He's a very well-mannered eight year old who spent the afternoon busying himself with glue sticks, paper, and highlighters. Office supplies CAN be fun. I kinda felt sorry for him having to waste the day at the boring office and I asked him if he was ready to go back to school.

His answer was an immediate "NO!"

With the summer only half gone, I thought he might be bored with so many days left of nothing to do. Then I found out. Summer is starts in his school district next Monday! WTF!!! Isn't this just July? Oh,'s August something, but still...

As I questioned him further he said the reason he wasn't ready was because there were soooooooo many things he needed: a new backpack, map pencils, notebook paper (I forget how literal kids are.)

My 20 year old (who decided he wasn't college material) confided in me the other day that he really misses going to get school supplies. (You don't need school supplies when you work on the floor crew at Wal-Mart.) I told him if he went to college I would buy him some. He was not amused.

Frankly, I miss those school supplies, too. Especially the smells. God, there's nothing like a fresh box of Crayola crayons, the Frito-salty scent of school paste, the unforgettable fragrance of an eraser, and don't forget the slightly ancient aroma of knowledge that permeates a stack of textbooks. Deep sigh.

On a final note, Target wins the award for best back-to-school commercial this year. If you haven't seen it, they've taken the rap song "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot and changed the words to "Baby Got Backpack." Wish I'd thought of it. Pure genius!

In case you're wondering, here are the orignial lyrics:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

Aug 2, 2005

Best Friends

when everything
comes tumbling down
plans are scattered
all around
stuff is jumbled
nothing jives
and there in pieces
lay our lives

there’s a person
i can find
a listening ear
an open mind
a caring heart
a steady shoulder
and even if I
haven’t told her
she knows that
i’ve got her back
and i’ll make sure
she gets on track

we both know
as each day passes
friends are faithful
men are asses

Aug 1, 2005

Hit Me With Your Best Shot!

Popping cyber champagne and blowing virtual horns, but REALLY feeling happy about 3,000 hits! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being part of my loyal blog audience.