Aug 18, 2005

Thanks For The Mammaries

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For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members (or anyone for that matter) in our blogging audience.

Yes, okay, they do have a use other than for sex. But I'm not writing about the joys of breastfeeding on Freaky Friday. Check out this site
La Leche League if that's what you're interested in.

Just like the size of a man's purple-helmeted love warrior, there are pros and cons to breast size. The smaller, perkier ones are destined to remain perky while the fuller, heavier ones can become a real drag later in life. Vonnegut recommends sunscreen in his famous commencement speech, but for women, I think it's much more important to avoid the sun and wear a well-fitting, supportive bra as much of the time as possible. (Have you seen what those women who burned their bras look like now?)

Button-down oxfords fit better over a moderate chest. Sweaters are more voluptuous over an ample chest. The more diminutive, the less painful when you go jogging. Some women use their cleavage like a homing device to male pigeons. The flat-chesters enjoy a lot more eye contact from the opposite sex. I've heard men say that more than a handful is wasted, but then there are those who tend to be gluttonous, so jugs bigger than your head can be popular, too. Just like I tell my daughter all the time...there's someone for everyone.

In a well-known catalog you can buy bras with pockets in them to insert various types of breast enhancers. There are also bras filled with liquid, foam-rubber and batting to increase your cup size. My question is...okay, so you got the guy who likes big boobs interested. What happens when he finds out it's all smoke and mirrors (and silicone?) And don't forget the minimizer bras that DECREASE your bust size by one full cup. What's up with that? We need a handy, dandy, Popeil Pocket Liposuction Kit so we can suck the fat out of the big breasts and deposit it directly into the small ones...then everyone would be happy. Right?

Maybe these "specialty" bras are so you can see if you like having bigger (or smaller) breasts BEFORE you go under the knife. You must really hate your body to actively seek plastic surgery. Just like reorganizing the garage, you have to make a big, horrible mess before it looks any better. And unlke cleaning a garage, plastic surgery is really expensive and very painful!

The threat of breast cancer circles over every woman's head like a vulture ready to swoop down and take away our femininity. Because of this I try to appreciate my pride and joy (one's named pride, the other is joy) as much as possible. And I can't help but imagine on occasion how I would feel if they were gone. I will be the first to admit, I would miss them...a lot! Since there is a direct line of "zowie!" from the nipple to the sweet spot, my sex drive would surely be diminished, even if they were artfully recreated by a plastic surgeon.

It's true I would rather stick hot needles in my eyes than have a mammogram, but because of the danger I mention above, I sign myself up for one annually. SURELY there's a better way, though!!! I'd love to get my hands on the sadistic bastard who designed this machinery d'torture. Here all the good work I've done by keeping my girls supported by a well-fitting bra is undone in one horrifying, flat-as-a-pancake moment.

I know there are a lot of you men out there who think a breast is a playtoy invented by God for a man's own pleasure. But breasts are a source of pleasure to women, too. So while you're amusing yourself with them like the newest gadget from Sharper Image, keep in mind that they are also the key to the heavenly gateway for which you ultimately seek. Pay them homage and treat them with respect.


Christina said...

Thanks for bringing back Freaky Friday - missed it last week. Good post - funny, but oh so true!

Kruge said...

Wohoo! Freaky Friday has returned!
No longer shall various sex-related issues be a mistery!

What's with all the spam?
I guess its time to go banning, sad as it may be

Duke_of_Earle said...

Looks like the spam-mongers are attracted to Freaky Friday too. Go figure.

Nankin said...

Getting a mammogram is like laying on the garage floor and having someone run over your pride and joy with the car...repeatedly. Then there's always slamming them in the freezer door a few times.

And I read somewhere they're not all that accurate.

Karyn Lyndon said...

I'm sure whenever I need more info on Randy Charach, Bad Credit Auto Loans, Wedding Photos in the UK, Hip Hop, esophogeal cancer, the forex market, cell phone text or mesothelioma, I'll be right over to your site.

I don't think the last anonymous read my site very carefully because I'm obviously NOT a I will be boycotting "chess moves" and I suggest you do the same...hmmmmph!

Hale McKay said...

I knew a kid in High School who thought it was cool to make lewd comments to girls he'd meet about their boobs.
Once he got his come-uppance.
He said to a well endowed girl in a bar room, "Where'd you get the sweater with the big bumpers?"
Without hesitating she answered, "The same place you got those pants with that little gear shift."
He was a little more discreet after that.

Bill said...

Large or small... any size at all.. is perfect if they're attached to the woman you love.

Thanks for this inside, humorous, yet informative, look at breasts!