Jul 8, 2005
Speaking of Hummers...
For those of you new to the site, welcome! Freaky Friday is the designated day for sex talk on my blog.
***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*** This is sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for younger members of our blogging audience.
...and I'm not talking about the vehicle, either. I'm talking about the sexual kind of hummer. You know...a blow job, although I can't say as I have ever actually blown while in the act...or hummed for that matter. Wonder where this terminology comes from? Mostly it involves licking and sucking, so why not call it a lick job...or a sucker? Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. But I have a feeling singing to it would take a lot longer.
Sidebar: One time when my husband was at the hair salon he accidentally told the hairdresser he wanted a cut and blowjob. Of course we all died laughing and he turned a hundred shades of red. I always wondered how much THAT would cost.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. The odd phrases used to describe what I understand every man wants and feels he doesn't get enough of. I don't know if my husband knows this, but I never gave my high school sweetheart "one". I thought it was totally disgusting. Now I feel kinda bad about it...like I owe him something. Maybe I should check out classmates.com and see if I can find him (just kidding, Honey.)
Often times, when I wonder about the validity of something in this day and age I ask myself "what would cavemen do?"
Do you think Ugh and his wife Jugs were having oral sex? My first inclination is HELL NO!!! Because I don't think they bathed regularly...at least they didn't in that movie "Quest for Fire." And anything I put in my mouth needs to be squeaky clean. Same thing with the old west. Do you think they were doing that kind of thing in a one room cabin with all the kids in there? I don't think so.
But things are different now. We have privacy, we have hygiene and we have porn to show us the finer techniques. And women are more open-minded and less prudish than, say, even as recent in history as my Mom's era. (Okay, erase that visual from my brain....erase, erase, erase.)
Now, it's expected. And with the right attitude it can be enjoyable, especially if he is willing and able to return the favor. I never have been able to figure out an acceptable way to talk about oral sex for women. Fellatio is too medical sounding and according to the dictionary is strictly for males. Muff diving implies way too much hair. I don't know. I think we need to come up with a new word. Hmmm...how about Hermmer?
TO SWALLOW OR NOT TO SWALLOW, THAT IS THE QUESTION...
It's got to take some of the enjoyment out of the act for your partner if you are holding his love-blast in your mouth, while making faces and gagging noises. Scientific studies indicate that the calories are insignificant (wonder how much the govertment spent on that one), so that won't work as an excuse.
Here's my theory. If he is willing to kiss you immediately afterwards and share in his abundance of good joy, then you should be willing to swallow. If not? It's only fair that you run (don't walk) to the nearest sink and spit immediately.
Posted by Karyn Lyndon at 7/08/2005 09:03:00 PM